Before we get to the diamonds in the rough of this year’s voter’s pamphlet, a few housekeeping items.
The website for the Washington Secretary of State has the location of ballot drop boxes. Ballots can be dropped off until 8 p.m. on August 2nd. Ballots can also be mailed, no postage required, but must be postmarked by August 2nd.
VoteWa.gov is the site to use to track your ballot, register to vote, or check the status of your voter registration.
Vote.gov is a site you can use to register to vote if you are not from Washington.
One thing that has always struck me about deciding who to vote for is that there are progressive websites that endorse candidates in all races across the nation. I am not aware of any conservative ones. If you know of one, drop it in the comments box or shoot me an email.
To make my choices, I relied heavily on the Pierce County Official Local Voter’s Pamphlet. Here are a few things I noticed.
My sealed ballot and voter pamphlet.
There are, count ‘em, eighteen people running for Senator. In her candidate bio, Democratic incumbent, Patty Murray, went out her way to NOT mention that she was elected to the position thirty years ago. Politics might be the one career where experience can be a detriment when applying for a job. Other things Murray didn’t mention are inflation, gas prices, and shortages. In fact, none of the incumbents on my ballot mentioned any of those issues.
There are five sections in the candidate profile: Elected Experience, Other Professional Experience, Education, Community Service, and Statement. Under Community Service, Murray has “No Information Submitted.” I thought that was bad until I saw Independent Naz Paul’s profile. She has “No Information Submitted,” for four out of five categories, really embracing the “do nothing congress” moniker.
Here are my favorite responses to each of the five categories.
Elected Experience: Democrat Senate candidate Ravin Pierre, listed “navigating ‘Respectability Politics’ in the workplace.” He also wins the award for most asterisks used, eight total. Six of them are lined up like ducklings after the letter F. As in F, duckling, duckling, duckling Qanon. And, F, duck, duck, duck, Putin. The final two are like wings around the words “mic drop” at the end of his screed where he promises to wear a “Bodycam full-time” and go to prison if he serves more than two terms. Something tells me Pierre will not be doing hard time.
Other Professional Experience: “Watching C-Span for 30 years,” submitted by Independent Senate candidate Thor Amundson.
Education: “Not much,” submitted by Congress Sucks Party candidate Richard Boyce, 10th Congressional District. Maybe he thought the question was, what’s up?
Community Service: Trump Republican candidate for Senate Leon Lawson listed, “lifelong member of the department of Based,” which, don’t get me wrong, is funny. What is less funny is the misuse of capitalization throughout his statement. Reading it I began to wonder if perhaps the randomness was actually a code hiding in plain sight, until he used the phrase, “for to long,” with only one “o.” Then I knew not to spend two much time looking intoo it.
And lastly, Statement: “I am interested in running for US Senate to help the laid the foundation for the future young generation…” Submitted by States No Party Preference Senate candidate Dan Phan Doan, who nabs the rhyming name hat trick.
Speaking of men, Republican Chris Binns, candidate for 6th district, current ferry worker and former Alaskan crab fisherman, put it succinctly, “Men don’t vote democrat!”
A few other gems.
Union Party Kurtis Engle, for Secretary of State, and Democrat Eric Mahaffy, for US Representative, 10th, are the only candidates holding objects in their photos. And yes, I’m glad you asked, they totally are related to the positions they are running for, sort of. Not really. Coffee cups. Engle’s is ceramic and Mahaffy’s is disposable, not that that tells us much. But what better way to illustrate that you don’t know how to crop a photo? That you really can’t be bothered to put your mug down or even hold it lower than chest-height for a second. Way to show, not tell, gentlemen.
Still, they did better than Richard Boyce, the only candidate who did not submit a photo. That combined with his “Not much” Education has me hoping we see him again in the primary.
Republican Jalonnie Givens Jackson, 27th Legislative District, State Rep, Position No. 1, is the only candidate wearing a hat in his profile picture. And yes, it does say something. AWAKE NOT WOKE. I see you, Jalonnie.
Finally, I scanned the face of every candidate. I read their bios and their lips. And I’m not saying this just because he was the last candidate and I didn’t want to flip through the guide again, promise. Republican candidate for Pierce County Council, District No. 7, Chuck West has, by far, the manliest mustache. From the photo, I cannot even be sure he has a mouth under that prickle patch. Both sides of his lip-cap hang down like saddle bags. That my friends is how the West was won.
Photo courtesy of Pierce County Official Local Voter’s Pamphlet and Chuck West’s squirrel-tail.
Let me know what you spotted in your voter’s pamphlet and make sure to cast your ballot!
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